Weddings Redefined

Most people who find this website are engaged and planning a gay wedding in New York, Boston or somewhere else – and most people really don’t know how to begin! Here’s the cheat sheet for you, a quick list of what to do, and in what order. 

If you really want to keep things easy, download our free app,Gay Wedding Confidential or buy our book of the same name! Both have all these tools in more detail.

1. Make your guest list and stick to it. Create guest list policies. Figure out if you are having attendants. 

Seven years ago today....

I arrived to my job at a nonprofit organization and heard the news that Massachusetts' highest court had ruled that, when it comes to marriage, it was illegal to discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation.  Six months from that date, same-sex marriage was going into effect in Massachusetts.  It was SUCH a big deal, such an amazing day!  

A few months after the ruling, I decided to open It's About Time (now 14 Stories) as the first gay wedding planner in the U.S..  I can't believe I've had my business for almost 7 years!

Now we have four other states and D.C. with legal same-sex marriage.  I can't wait for the day when all of the same-sex couples in the United States have this right.  While the weddings are so much fun and totally great, and we love love love our clients - we also feel like we're part of the marriage equality movement, and that is just so exciting.

Check out the links to some great organizations that promote marriage equality nationwide:

American Foundation for Equal Rights
GLAD
Human Rights Campaign
Marriage Equality USA

Where were you seven years ago today?

I am long overdue for a blog post.  I apologize for the delay, but Jen and I have been busy with a baby!  If you subscribe to our newsletter, you may know that our baby was due on October 24.  Our little son, Patrick Flaherty Coveney-Smith came a week late, on Halloween, which happens to be Jen's favorite holiday.  We like parties so we decorated our room at the hospital in Halloween decorations and all of us were dressed up on Halloween, including Patrick.

Both he and his mom are doing great.  It's been a big adjustment for the whole family, of course, and I've taken a bit of a maternity leave in that I'm keeping up with emails and phone calls but haven't been blogging or working on my other projects.  I'm not very good at sitting still and not working a lot, so I've been trying not to beat myself up over not working a lot, and just enjoy all this great quality time together.  I'll be resuming a close to full schedule after Thanksgiving.

We're very grateful for all the love and support that has come our way from our friends, family and community of current and former clients and wedding industry colleagues.

It's been over a year in the making but my first book Gay Wedding Confidential is now available for sale on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com.  I can't believe it!  I wrote it and published it myself and am so proud to bring my years of experience as America's first gay wedding planner to print!

Gay marriage first became legal in Masschusetts


Photo by Marilyn Humphries

One of the coolest things about my job is meeting amazing couples, many of whom come here from other states to legally marry.  It's one of the many things that makes my career as a wedding planner so fulfilling.  I love producing weddings and being the architect of it all - but more importantly to me, I know I am helping LGBT couples get their equal rights.

I had such an opportunity back in August when Frank and Matt from Arkansas hired me for a Vows plus package, which involved the license in one day, cake, flowers, a ceremony location (they chose a church in Brewster), photographer and dinner reservations for their ten guests.

Most of my planning with these couples is done by phone and email so meeting in person is always a treat.  One of the things that Frank and Matt shared with me is that they are one of the plaintiffs in a case brought by the ACLU against the State of Arkansas, seeking to end the ban on adoption by unmarried couples, which was a law passed last November by a voter referendum and was designed to discriminate against the LGBT community.

This week I was walking around my neighborhood and stopped by someone from the ACLU looking for my support and that young person mentioned this case.  I feel such a personal connection to this case because I adore these great guys.

These are the kinds of guys, who have returned home to Arkansas, legally married with a relationship legitimized by a government, who are changing hearts and minds about the issue of gay marriage - just by knowing them, hearing their story and seeing how in love they are.  Their decision to be part of that ACLU case is just a bonus.

Here they are on their wedding day - and by the way, you should consider supporting the ACLU:



Photo by Zoom-Photography.

I'll be uploading videos to YouTube every week, starting with this one where I'm talking about how my company was founded 5 years ago in response to the legalization of gay marriage in Massachusetts.

When I started my business in 2004, I had never planned a wedding.  I had planned many events and knew I had the skills but there was a natural learning curve with weddings.

So what did I do?  I interviewed many dozen vendors, figured out who I could trust, then I hired those people and let them do their jobs.

Fortunately, that philosophy has always worked out well for all.  There are occasionally times I have to micromanage vendors, often when I'm hired for day of coordination and haven't worked with the vendors hired by the client.  Or if I'm working in a new area of the state or region, I encounter new faces.

But the reality is that I am a professional wedding planner, not a professional caterer, baker, photographer or stationer.  And I don't pretend to be any of those things.  I know the right questions to ask and I know what to look for.  But most importantly, I know who I trust.

And that is the philosophy I'm relying on this week since my wedding is tomorrow and I'm not in charge.  We hired a day of coordinator to make sure our vision is executed, and we hired some of our favorite vendors.  I hope you check out their work and we'll post up a few photos after the big day.

These folks are the reason I'm relaxing right now, with the comfort that we're in good hands.  These are the people I thank because they make me look good...

• Photographer Kelly Griffith/Closed Circle Photo
• DJ Kristin Korpos
• Lighting Boston Uplights
• Venue/Catering Exchange Conference Center
• Bay State Party Rentals
  
• Generations CinemaStories
• tada Yourself Makeup
• DPV Transportation
• J Sherman Studio graphic design

Please support them as well!

Happy Independence Day!

-Bernadette and Jen

There have been 12,000 same-sex marriages in Massachusetts since they became legal in 2004.  That's a lot for sure, but I'm willing to bet (and I wish I had data on this) that many of those couples had a marriage ceremony, not a big wedding.  I met a couple this morning who like many couples, had a brief marriage in the Arlington Street Church that first week they were legal, when the ASC was holding marriage ceremonies every 15 minutes.  I've personally helped many couples with their marriages through my Vows package.

I've noticed this subject as a debate among couples, especially those who never grew up thinking it would be possible to marry, or never envisioned their own wedding.  I've met many couples who are unsure whether they want a wedding, or where one partner is trying to convince the other on the subject (I have a theory about this I'll save for another post).  In the beginning, back in 2004, many couples I worked with were in their 40s and 50s and there was enormous pent up demand for marriage.  In the past couple of years, many couples I work with are in their 20s and early 30s - which is around my age and the average age couples in general marry in Massachusetts.

So what do you do - have a marriage ceremony or have a wedding?  Jen and I can relate. We were talking about this topic this morning when we were discussing how our wedding planning would have gone if I wasn't a wedding planner.  She said that she would have tried to convince me to have a luxury elopement, just the two of us.  I said that even if I wasn't a planner, I'd never go along with that...the witnessing and validation by my friends and family is way too important to me.

Of course, weddings cost a lot of money, typically between $20-35K in Boston.  But I have a lot of experience with weddings and there is nothing more moving to me, still, to this day, than seeing a gay or lesbian couple stand up in front of their friends and family, and get legally married.  And the validation and support they receive from their guests is truly priceless.  The key word is validation.  Gay weddings are jubilant.  There is a sense of triumph. And I feel like there is no greater party.

I understand the desire to elope or to keep it small.  Many brides (or grooms) don't like being the center of attention or simply can't or don't want to spend the money or deal with the planning stress.  And I'll never try to convince a couple otherwise.  That validation from "community" isn't something everyone needs. 

So how do you reach a resolution?  It's such a personal thing.  Fortunately for me, I got my way, and I'll be sure to report how that validation personally feels after my own wedding on July 3.

One of the questions I often get from couples and clients and reporters and anyone curious about gay weddings is, "what is normal?"  "What does a gay wedding look like?"  This is one of the reasons I developed a seminar for engaged same-sex couples and another seminar for those in the wedding industry hoping to work with them.

I have a lot of answers to this question and will be posting them in the coming week or so.  But this question is coming up in Iowa right now - couples never expected this day will come and don't know what to do to prepare or how to make their wedding special.  In fact, I went to an event last night where I heard a story of an Iowa couple who came to Massachusetts to get married one week before the ruling came down.  For most, the ruling was a complete shock.  And as of this past Monday, same-sex couples in Iowa began applying for their marriage licenses and are now thinking, "Now what?  How the heck do I plan a gay wedding?"

Any wedding, gay or straight, should be about the personality and style of the couple - don't let anyone tell you differently.  The fundamental decisions are the same: you still have to think about how much to spend and who to invite, and where to have the celebration (though with same-sex weddings, those decisions are often complicated by fears related to coming out or homophobia).

But everyone wants to hear about the differences, not the similarities - I'll get into a lot of these but let's start with the rings...  Many (but not all, of course) gay and lesbian couples don't wear engagement rings.  But for those who wear engagement rings, who proposes?  Does that person then get proposed back to with their own engagement ring?  Sorry I don't have any answers on this one.  Many just wear wedding bands, but walking into a jewelry store with your lesbian fiancee or wife looking for a wedding band can be intimidating to say the least, especially if you would like a nontraditional band.  Call around ahead of time to gauge the temperature of your local jewelers about working with same-sex couples.  They may be great, or you may encounter an awkward pause or there may be outright homophobia but at least you are dealing with it on the phone rather than face to face.  So while there is no standard "gay engagement ring" or "gay wedding band", this can be one of the first areas where you as a couple can express your personality through your wedding.  And in the coming week, I'll be talking about many more.