Weddings Redefined

It seems like every day there's news about some state attempting to ban same-sex marriage or another trying to pass it.  Some are moving forward with civil unions....  It's a lot to keep track of, so here's the latest scoop as of today (Feb 18, 2011):

The good news:

• Hawaii - a civil unions bill passed by the House and Senate is on its way to the Governor for approval.  They would go into effect on Jan. 1, 2012.
• Illinois - passed civil unions earlier this month, effective as of June 1
• Maryland - a bill to legalize gay marriage was introduced and approved by a committee of the Senate.  It still has a few steps for approval but the signs look good.
• Rhode Island - three different bills related to same-sex marriage have been introduced (only one for full marriage equality) and hearings are underway

• California - the challenge to Prop 8 is under review and a decision isn't expected until the end(!) of this year.
• Indiana - The Indiana House approved a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage and civil unions. This now goes before the Senate, and must be passed by both again next year in order to go on the ballot for voters.
• Iowa - nearly two years after same-sex marriage was legalized in Iowa, the House voted to ban gay marriage.  This is the first step in the lengthy process which requires Senate and voter approval.
• New Hampshire - gay marriage is currently the law (as of Jan 2010) but two separate bills are trying to end it.  There have not been any votes yet.
• Wyoming - The Wyoming Senate narrowly voted today to stop recognition of same-sex marriages and civil unions from outside the state. It currently bans them outright, but still recognizes marriages from other states. The House already passed a different version of the bill, so they now have to vote on this version before it goes to the Governor.

One of the questions I often get from couples and clients and reporters and anyone curious about gay weddings is, "what is normal?"  "What does a gay wedding look like?"  This is one of the reasons I developed a seminar for engaged same-sex couples and another seminar for those in the wedding industry hoping to work with them.

I have a lot of answers to this question and will be posting them in the coming week or so.  But this question is coming up in Iowa right now - couples never expected this day will come and don't know what to do to prepare or how to make their wedding special.  In fact, I went to an event last night where I heard a story of an Iowa couple who came to Massachusetts to get married one week before the ruling came down.  For most, the ruling was a complete shock.  And as of this past Monday, same-sex couples in Iowa began applying for their marriage licenses and are now thinking, "Now what?  How the heck do I plan a gay wedding?"

Any wedding, gay or straight, should be about the personality and style of the couple - don't let anyone tell you differently.  The fundamental decisions are the same: you still have to think about how much to spend and who to invite, and where to have the celebration (though with same-sex weddings, those decisions are often complicated by fears related to coming out or homophobia).

But everyone wants to hear about the differences, not the similarities - I'll get into a lot of these but let's start with the rings...  Many (but not all, of course) gay and lesbian couples don't wear engagement rings.  But for those who wear engagement rings, who proposes?  Does that person then get proposed back to with their own engagement ring?  Sorry I don't have any answers on this one.  Many just wear wedding bands, but walking into a jewelry store with your lesbian fiancee or wife looking for a wedding band can be intimidating to say the least, especially if you would like a nontraditional band.  Call around ahead of time to gauge the temperature of your local jewelers about working with same-sex couples.  They may be great, or you may encounter an awkward pause or there may be outright homophobia but at least you are dealing with it on the phone rather than face to face.  So while there is no standard "gay engagement ring" or "gay wedding band", this can be one of the first areas where you as a couple can express your personality through your wedding.  And in the coming week, I'll be talking about many more.