Weddings Redefined

I was sitting with clients last week and we were talking about the flow of their gay wedding in Boston.  I have this four page questionnaire I go through a few months before the wedding with our big wedding clients.  The conversation went something like this:

Me:  Are you having a first dance?
Them:  Nope
Me:  Are you having anything tossed?  Garter and bouquet are the typical things.
Them:  No
Me:  Are you dancing with your parents at all in any formal, announced way?
Them:  No
Me:  Are you cutting anything on the dessert display (this wedding has no wedding cake)?
Them:  No

All of these are fairly common answers when we're planning a gay wedding, though.  After all, those are traditional elements and many of our clients love the opportunity to be non-traditional and reinvent what weddings should look like!  And you completely have permission to do so!

The problem with those answers is that when we take out so many things, there is a lot of dead space and time.  The guests get bored and heaven forbid, the wedding ends early.  I believe it's very important to add things back in that are conversation starts and memory makers...

Here are some examples that we've experienced, have recommended or are recommending:

• photobooth (the obvious example)
• drag kings/queens 
• some dance performance (fire dancer, salsa dancers, tango dancers, burlesque etc) 
• caricature artist 
• casino 
• psychic 
• cigar bar (if the venue allows it) 
• aerial artist

The experience doesn't have to detract from the wedding or all the time spent dancing.  If it's a performance, keep it short, 1-2 songs MAX and keep it upbeat and appropriate.  

What are you doing to add some conversation starters and entertainment to your wedding?

Some of you may know that I frequently travel around the world and lead workshops on gay weddings for those in the wedding industry who are seeking to better understand the LGBT wedding market.  My goal is to provide all same-sex couples, no matter where they live, with access to wedding professionals who really want to treat them with respect.  

When I lead a full day workshop, or when professionals participate in my 3 part webinar series, they are eligible to be certified by the 14 Stories Gay Wedding Institute - and you may see this badge on their website or in their marketing materials:

This means that the professional has fully participated in the course, as well as completed all of the assigned homework.  It's not an easy process - so these professionals are truly your best advocates when planning your wedding.  Here is a list of all of the current graduates - some are wedding planners, others work at hotels and other properties, and others work elsewhere in the industry.  If we can't help you, hopefully one of these fine professionals will be able to.

As my regular readers know, my favorite part of a wedding is the ceremony because of its power and potential to change the world.

Whenever possible, I encourage LGBT couples to use a Celebrant to officiate their gay wedding ceremony.   Not everyone who is a non-denominational minister is a Celebrant.  Those who are officially Celebrants have taken intensive coursework on world cultures and traditions and been taught how to use stories to create custom ceremonies.  The curriculum is rigorous! 

Celebrants are ideal for couples who may be interfaith or non-religious but whom want a meaningful and powerful wedding ceremony that is more in-depth than what a judge or Justice of the Peace may provide. 

Our own wedding (July 3, 2009) was officiated by Celebrant Cindy Matchett of Meaningful Weddings.  Our wedding guests LOVED our ceremony which told the story of our relationship, shared some of our favorite things about each other and incorporated our cultures.  Last year she officiated our son’s non-religious baby blessing.  We absolutely adore Cindy and she feels like one of our family.

I’m honored to have been asked to give the keynote speech on April 28 at the Celebrant Institute’s Collective Wisdom Conference.  This conference is part of the graduation of the current class of Celebrants and I’m excited to share with them my perspective on the power of same-sex weddings.

If you are looking for a Celebrant, you can find one in your area by visiting www.CelebrantInstitute.org

Same-sex marriage has been legal since 2009 but Vermont’s history of LGBT rights goes back to 1993 when it became the first state to create civil unions.   Vermont is one of the least populous states in the country, meaning there are loads of wide open spaces for your country wedding.  

Where to Stay:  Stowe, Vermont is a great choice as a home-base for gay wedding planning in Vermont and you simply cannot beat the luxury of the Stowe Mountain Lodge which not only has stunning accommodations but beautiful wedding backdrops as well.  If you are looking for an even more rural experience, check out the Moose Meadow Lodge, a gay-owned inn and wedding venue.

What to Do:  Vermont is all about the outdoors!  Hiking, canoeing and kayaking, skiing and snowshoeing are just some of the possibilities.  Great farm-to-table dining can be found in restaurants throughout the state.  And don’t forget to check out the tastings at Cabot Cheese and Ben and Jerry’s!

How to Get Married:  Simply apply for a marriage license in a town in the county in which you’ll plan to marry in Vermont.  There is no waiting period, no blood tests and there are no witnesses required.  The fee is $20.

Our Picks for LGBT Photographers:  Kelly from Closed Circle Photo knows everything about Vermont and takes beautiful shots.  We also love the other Kelly, from Kelly Prizel Photography who shoots throughout New England.

Our Picks for an LGBT Florist:  Wildflower Designs in Stowe  does lovely work!

Our Picks for LGBT Officiants:  Greg Trulson (also owner of Moose Meadow Lodge) is openly LGBT.

With some major exceptions, Vermont wedding vendors are very welcoming of same-sex couples so you should have a great experience no matter who you choose. Don't forget about us at 14 Stories if you get stuck and are looking for a hand with all of your gay wedding plans in Vermont!

(photo by Jeanette LeBlanc)

I just returned from Engage!, a luxury wedding industry summit held twice a year.  This was my fourth Engage! and I always look forward to this time to re-invigorate myself and my business as well as connect with new and old friends.  I've made so many thoughtful and genuine friends at Engage! - we know how to have a good time yet also hold each other accountable for the goals we set.  Engage! is a time for substantial conversations, deepening friendships and new collaborations in what can be a very intense and competitive industry.

Kathryn and Rebecca, the founders of Engage! (and simply wonderful, kind women who have provided me with invaluable business mentorship) always find a way to top themselves and exceed our expectations.  This time, they recruited our friends Heather and Susan from Gifts for the Good Life to completely brand all of the goodies associated with the event.  Even the chopsticks at the closing party were branded with the Engage! logo.  You know they're good when they impress picky wedding industry talents.

Engage! is also a chance for me to chat with my peers from around the country to hear about their experiences working with same-sex couples (most of them don't get to very often), give advice and answer questions.  I love talking about gay weddings and it's so fun for me to hear the stories from my peers.

To get a sense of this fabulous experience, check out the highlight video from the very talented Elysium Productions below:

engage! 11 Grand Cayman // Part One from Elysium Productions on Vimeo.

engage!11 Grand Cayman // Day 2 & 3 recap film from Elysium Productions on Vimeo.

Most of us have been to a bunch of straight weddings and now that you're planning your own gay wedding, it seems obvious to look to those straight weddings for inspiration. After all, it's what we grew up knowing.  I've been talking to a bunch of couples lately who are struggling with what traditions to keep and what to ditch when planning their own wedding.  I'm personally in favor of reinvention...this blog is called, after all, "Weddings Redefined"!

Let's start by examining some of the traditions we've seen over the years:

...couple doesn't see each other before the ceremony, an often religious ceremony, photos during cocktail hour, a long break between the ceremony and reception, the wedding party introduction, the first dance, father-daughter dance, mother-son dance, dinner, toasts, dancing, line dances, garter toss, bouquet toss, cake cutting, yadda yadda yadda...maybe a Horah for good measure...

I've planned hundreds of gay weddings and I can tell you that we skip a bunch of these things!! SOMETIMES my couples will do a first dance and cake cutting, but that's about it! If parent dances happen, they typically happen spontaneously, rather than to a specific song. Formal photos typically happen before the ceremony.

As far as I'm concerned (and most of my clients agree), when it comes to these elements, turn them on their head! Why introduce the wedding party? It's your day and you may not even have a wedding party. Why do photos during cocktail hour when you can enjoy a cocktail with your closest friends and family?

And if you really want to be traditional, consider some Gay Wedding Traditions - yes, there are some!

What traditions are you keeping and what are you ditching?

(photo by Kat Hempel)

The couple just sued the inn, because they learned that Vermont has an anti-discrimination law making it illegal to discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation. 21 U.S. states have such a law and 29 do not.  That means that in states such as Georgia, Florida and Texas, it's perfectly legal for a business to discriminate against you of sexual orientation and/or gender identity.  To find out the deal in your state, click here or call the Lambda Legal help desk.

Why should you care? Well, you may be gay wedding planning in New York or elsewhere and it's important to know your rights.  A New York town clerk already resigned rather than issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples.  The law in New York barely passed.  And while New York City is very progressive and great for gay wedding planning, it's a BIG state and you should be careful when you're planning your gay wedding. 

Come out of the closet right away when calling vendors - even the ones you find through an online gay wedding directory or through google ads. You never know who will answer the phone.  Only hire people who give you a good vibe, who you feel like will have your back.  There's no reason that you should be treated any differently than straight couples.  

Have you encountered any issues when calling vendors during your wedding planning?

At 14 Stories, we're not just in the business of wedding planning - but we like to provide our clients with resources to build and protect their family.  Last year we did a blog series about estate planning, written by our former client Claire DeMarco, who is an estate planning attorney in Boston.  Claire did all of the paperwork to protect the Coveney-Smith family.

Now that same-sex marriage is legal in New York, I think it's time to revisit this important topic.  Ron Meyers will be the attorney to whom we refer our New York gay wedding clients.  Ron has been helping LGBT couples protect their families for more than 10 years.

Here are the top five ways to protect your LGBT family:

1.  Health Care Proxies - so you can visit your spouse or partner in the hospital when you are in a state where same-sex marriage is not recognized.

2.  Durable Power of Attorney - so you can make decisions on behalf of your partner or spouse beyond state lines when you are in a state where same-sex marriage is not recognized.

3. Wills - to define your family and protect your assets should one of you pass

4.  Trusts - used as an alternative to a will, so your estate can be handled privately, rather than in court, should one of you pass and have family who does not support your same-sex marriage or relationship.

5. Second parent adoption - if you have a child, so both parents have legal guardianship to the child or children if you are in a state where same-sex marriage is not recognized.  

Both Claire and Ron can help with all of these five ways to protect your family and I enthusiastically encourage you to give them a call!

Photo by Gretje Ferguson

For couples who are planning a New York gay wedding, it's easy to be overwhelmed by all the options.  There are so many search results that come up in google when you search "New York wedding venue" or "New York gay wedding venue", for example.  

So how do find the wedding vendors who you know will truly have your back?  Who will truly be the most inclusive and supportive advocates for you and your partner during your wedding planning process?  There are a lot of New Yorkers (yes, even in the wedding industry) who don't believe in gay marriage.

Your first stop should be www.SoYoureEnGAYged.com, of course!  Their wedding vendor directory is the only one in the U.S. that makes sure that the included vendors not only talk the talk, but walk the walk.  Those wedding vendors have proven to SYE that they have gender neutral photos and marketing materials so same-sex couples don't feel isolated or "less than."  I really admire their integrity and their directory is vast, with vendors for whatever your style and taste is.

So you can visit www.SoYoureEnGAYged.com on the web, of course, or just download our very own Gay Wedding Confidential wedding planning app (it's free!) and the SYE directory is built right in.  Gay wedding planning at your fingertips!

(Photo by Michael Manning)

 I say it all the time - I love love love what I do.  I have the coolest job, and part of what makes it cool is the collaboration that is part of any wedding planning process.  There's the obvious collaboration between my clients and myself but it's also my goal to create a "team" with the other wedding vendors involved.

Take our last wedding, for example.  The grooms wanted their favorite restaurant to do the catering.  But that restaurant is not a caterer.  They don't have service staff with wedding experience.  They don't manage rental items.  We used that restaurant only for the food.  I worked with a rental company for every plate, every knife, every bowl (and of course the cool decor items).  I worked with another company to provide all the staffing, including the bartenders.  They sent a banquet captain, two bartenders and servers.  Then I worked with yet another company for the alcohol.  All of that was ordered and delivered.  

When it came time for the actual wedding day, I was in charge and had my assistant as my #2.  We started with a team meeting with the entire catering team and went through the entire flow of the wedding, addressed questions and discussed all of the setup needs.  We divided and conquered all the setup (as illustrated in the last post) and the end result was fantastic.  

It's my job to be the leader and to bring everyone together towards a common goal, an amazing common goal, to treat everyone with respect and empower them to do their job.  And that is so much fun, because weddings should be fun.